DAY OFF - DAY FIFTEEN

The boys came home and cooked for H and I the night before last. I love love love and appreciate that they did. They did something sweet, super sweet. They wouldn't even let us touch a thing.. but it was biscuits and some velveeta cheese rice stuff. Both of which packed full of calories and they all knew I hadn't eaten since about 3:30 and they were cooking around 8… and my stomach was rumbling. I had to eat a little.. But then even H finished everything in her bowl.. I don't know it was a bad/good night.

Yesterday I didn't eat well at all. I don't even really want to go through it either.

I decided I wanted a one-piece bathing suit that looks kind of like this. So E and I went to look for one. The one I found wasn't exactly like this one. I think I would have had better result if it were, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I ended up showing him how much I hate my body yesterday. I've always kept that part of my life from him. He's never known how much it bothers me that I'm so huge. Anyway, here's the story.

I have no boobs, decently big hips, love handles, enormous thighs, and a butt so massive you could see for miles. When I wear a two piece I feel very exposed and vulnerable. I don't like it, but it's what is expected so I've done it. I usually wear boyshort bottoms and just a regular bathing suit top. I stick out everywhere. My love handle are going crazy and jiggling while hanging out and my thighs aren't covered very well they are bouncing with ever move I make. Well I figured a one-piece bathing suit like this would be okay. It would fit and keep those love handles in and while still covering the tops of my thighs about the same as the boyshorts do. Not perfect, but better… Well it did tuck my love handles in to where the were a Tiny bit less noticeable.. but my thighs.. Since it was a one-piece is still had the regular bottom fit to them.. It cut straight into my thighs. It made them stick out more than I've ever seen them. I sat in the fitting room, while E sat outside it patiently waiting for me to come out, for like 20 minutes. I was thinking "If I move it this way." "What if I stand this way?" "Maybe I could do this or that." and after spending all that time I just broke. I got in the car and tried my hardest to not cry, but that didn't work. I bawled and bawled.. I told him that I hate my stupid body. I have an abnormally small breast measurement and an abnormally massive hip measurement. It lasted for about 5 minutes and then I realized what I was doing and I needed to stop. Low self-esteem is appalling and I try to hide mine.. Sometimes I don't do that great of a job..

I've eaten 2 eggs and I'm drinking a ton of coffee today. I really don't care if I get shaky or if I don't sleep well tonight. I've got to shrink my stomach so I don't get hungry all the time. I think I might start taking diet pills. They've always helped me a lot in the past with reducing my appetite. I've also eaten some miso soup and an apple. 315 calories. Nothing else until supper.

I think I'll have a pickle spear or 2 at 3 o'clockish, a granola bar at about 5, and about 2 cups of green beans at about 7. That will fill me up enough to not eat anything else before bed. I'll end the day at 585 calories. 

E has to go to work at 1 and is leaving for our hometown tonight. He has three days off and works with his dad there. I can't go though. I only have 2 days off and Wednesday I have to be at work at 6 in the morning. Crazy early for me.. He'll be gone until Thursday. I'm going to be here by myself for the majority of the week. I think I'm okay with that though. For right now anyway.

We got into a fight earlier.. It was pretty bad. We both kept assuming things and we both weren't really allowing each other to explain anything.. It just escalated. He left with both of us calmed, but still agitated.