DAY OFF - DAY FIFTEEN

The boys came home and cooked for H and I the night before last. I love love love and appreciate that they did. They did something sweet, super sweet. They wouldn't even let us touch a thing.. but it was biscuits and some velveeta cheese rice stuff. Both of which packed full of calories and they all knew I hadn't eaten since about 3:30 and they were cooking around 8… and my stomach was rumbling. I had to eat a little.. But then even H finished everything in her bowl.. I don't know it was a bad/good night.

Yesterday I didn't eat well at all. I don't even really want to go through it either.

I decided I wanted a one-piece bathing suit that looks kind of like this. So E and I went to look for one. The one I found wasn't exactly like this one. I think I would have had better result if it were, but I wasn't thinking about that at the time. I ended up showing him how much I hate my body yesterday. I've always kept that part of my life from him. He's never known how much it bothers me that I'm so huge. Anyway, here's the story.

I have no boobs, decently big hips, love handles, enormous thighs, and a butt so massive you could see for miles. When I wear a two piece I feel very exposed and vulnerable. I don't like it, but it's what is expected so I've done it. I usually wear boyshort bottoms and just a regular bathing suit top. I stick out everywhere. My love handle are going crazy and jiggling while hanging out and my thighs aren't covered very well they are bouncing with ever move I make. Well I figured a one-piece bathing suit like this would be okay. It would fit and keep those love handles in and while still covering the tops of my thighs about the same as the boyshorts do. Not perfect, but better… Well it did tuck my love handles in to where the were a Tiny bit less noticeable.. but my thighs.. Since it was a one-piece is still had the regular bottom fit to them.. It cut straight into my thighs. It made them stick out more than I've ever seen them. I sat in the fitting room, while E sat outside it patiently waiting for me to come out, for like 20 minutes. I was thinking "If I move it this way." "What if I stand this way?" "Maybe I could do this or that." and after spending all that time I just broke. I got in the car and tried my hardest to not cry, but that didn't work. I bawled and bawled.. I told him that I hate my stupid body. I have an abnormally small breast measurement and an abnormally massive hip measurement. It lasted for about 5 minutes and then I realized what I was doing and I needed to stop. Low self-esteem is appalling and I try to hide mine.. Sometimes I don't do that great of a job..

I've eaten 2 eggs and I'm drinking a ton of coffee today. I really don't care if I get shaky or if I don't sleep well tonight. I've got to shrink my stomach so I don't get hungry all the time. I think I might start taking diet pills. They've always helped me a lot in the past with reducing my appetite. I've also eaten some miso soup and an apple. 315 calories. Nothing else until supper.

I think I'll have a pickle spear or 2 at 3 o'clockish, a granola bar at about 5, and about 2 cups of green beans at about 7. That will fill me up enough to not eat anything else before bed. I'll end the day at 585 calories. 

E has to go to work at 1 and is leaving for our hometown tonight. He has three days off and works with his dad there. I can't go though. I only have 2 days off and Wednesday I have to be at work at 6 in the morning. Crazy early for me.. He'll be gone until Thursday. I'm going to be here by myself for the majority of the week. I think I'm okay with that though. For right now anyway.

We got into a fight earlier.. It was pretty bad. We both kept assuming things and we both weren't really allowing each other to explain anything.. It just escalated. He left with both of us calmed, but still agitated. 

WORK AGAIN - DAY THIRTEEN

So.. I didn't eat as well as I wanted to yesterday. Turns out that when you work 7 hours you have to take an hour lunch.. I didn't eat bad on my lunch. But, when I got home is when it started.. E had to go to work at 5 which is when I got off. H and K were home when I got there so I just chilled with them for a while. I was thinking about supper so I made two pieces of toast and ate those… Then K wants to go out to eat and both him and H want me to go with.. I should have said no, but at the time I couldn't think of a good enough excuse and all I was thinking about was "Don't be rude. Don't be rude." So I said sure.. Then he said Chinese.. Then I wanted to die. Like just die. I got one medium filled plate and didn't finish it. H left so much of her food uneaten. (I'll tell you what she told me about herself the other day that relates to this in just a moment.) I felt like a pig. Then when I got home, after I payed $9.10 for that meal and I even got a water, I was still hungry. Chinese food is very unhealthy and does not fill you up! When H and K left I was alone in the house and that opened so many stupid eating doors it was unreal. I had a few of H's Ritz's Chips things, because her and K drank all my bottled water when I was gone, and a bowl of Corn Flakes.. Then I went to bed. I had to be finished eating.

Now to what H said to me. I was talking about food and about cutting back because it would be cheaper. I said nothing of wanting to lose weight. Then H, the skinny roommate, proceeds to inform me, her fat roommate, that she thinks her stomach is literally the size of a kiwi because she can go a really long time without eating and she only eats when she is really hungry and even then that's a really small amount of food.. I wanted to kill her.

Anyway, I have the same schedule from yesterday today and tomorrow for work. So I'll read blogs and update my own tonight.

FIRST DAY - DAY TWELVE

So I didn't get a chance to do the cleaning out my whole body to see what just my body weighs.. Also, last night I didn't eat a the pickle or miso soup because before that I ate a big bowl of Cheerios.. I was down, but didn't allow myself anything else for the rest of the night. I know I ate more than 600 calories, but there's no way I went over 800. I think I did drink too much coffee last night though.. I was a little shaky until we went to bed and then I felt sick all night. =/

However, suffering last night from drinking all that coffee to make sure I didn't eat anything else was worth it. These past few days I haven't been able to weigh myself at all and I've also been eating horribly so I expected 142 or 141. However, the scale said 139.6 lbs! I mean I know I'm suppose to be closer to 138 by now, but giving the past few days with cake everyday and big meals being cooked, I think I'm okay with that. I'm happy that I didn't gain and I'm very happy that I was actually able to lose.

Maybe I can get down to 139 or 138.6 by day 14 and then I can try to lose anywhere from 3 to 2.5 next week. Oh! I forgot to mention that I start my new job today! I'll be on my feet doing random things all day rather than sitting around in my apartment. So maybe losing that much isn't reaching too far..

I'll update again later after work and tell you how things went. I work 7 hours and get 2 15 minute breaks. Which is awesome! Because that mean I only have 30 minutes to eat until 5pm this afternoon. No overeating.

GOING HOME - DAY ELEVEN

So I got up this morning, did a few things, then sat on the couch with El's pit bull (super sweet dog), felt something on my arm. It was a freaking spider! I don't think I've mentioned it on here but spider scare the shit out of me. I cried and cried. E killed it for me. I fucking hate houses that don't get sprayed for spiders and bugs in general. I really just can't handle them.

Today I start restricting. These past few days have really brought me down. I'm thinking no more than 800 calories for a while..

Oh! Haha! Strawberry I said pickles and green beans are my best friend yesterday because they don't have many calories and those were the only two things in El's house that wasn't sugary. Thanks for your concern on the laxatives though, but I'm not using them to lose weight. I'm using them to see how much my body weighs without food. When I do this I'll know what my body weighs and when I lose weight I'll know when I'm actually losing and not when there is less food in my system. I'm not going to abuse it. Promise. =)

Update.

So far today I've had a tiny piece of cake, V made me eat one with her, and 2 spears of pickles. It's 1:20pm. I think I'm doing pretty good.

I'm finally back at my apartment. The first thing I did was make coffee. Haha I missed it so much. I left my purse at El's house though and I'm freaking out. V and El are going to bring it to me.. We'll I'm meeting them halfway. I'm so thankful. That would be so much gas to have to go all the way back then back here again..

My Granny bought me some good coffee and a carafe to keep it warm in. I love her so much. So I'll have coffee all day now. Both H and I drink it all day long here anyway. Saves us a lot of money.

I've drank a lot of coffee. =) The carafe is definitely a handy thing to have around. My house is empty on food. This would be a good thing, but it's also empty on safe foods. I have a few miso soup packages left, coffee, lettuce but no dressing, pickles, and I ate the last thing of sweet peas. Everything else is calorie packed..

I'm waiting for V and El to get here now with my purse. So when I get back I think I'm going grocery shopping. Pick up some green beans, carrots, miso soup, low fat salad dressing, more apples, and some light soy milk. I think that will do me for a while.

I've had about 430 calories today. I'm doing pretty good. I'm kind of excited. I'm not hungry at all and I feel empty. It's nice.

I'll probably have an apple when I get home and maybe a pickle spear or two and right before bed have some miso soup to fill me up. I'll end the day at about 590 calories. I love the sound of that. It makes me feel really good about myself.

THE DAY AFTER - DAY TEN

I'm still here. However green beans and pickles have become my best friends. I think maybe the last few days have set me back an entire week. We'll see when I get home. I need to go get some laxatives. I need to know what my body without food weighs.

BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY NINE

I haven't been able to weigh myself in a few days and since I've been back home I don't know if I want to. I just know I'm going to look down to the scale and see 145 or more. I've been eating horribly and another day of cake and ice cream awaits me tomorrow.

My boyfriend said earlier.. Or really late last night because it's already Tuesday that he feels fat. He said he's been feeling fat for the past couple of days and it's been making him feel bad. Maybe I can get him to start taking walks with me in the afternoons. I mean we live right next door. How hard can it be? We'll progress to speed walking then to jogging and jogging is where all the fat is lost. Maybe.. I can't do this by myself in that town. Without him. I'm alone.

Anyway, I'll update later today after the party or maybe before I go. Who knows. Sweet dreams.

My Update.

I've decided that I don't like saying my boyfriend and my roommate and my this and that over and over and over. Haha so I'm giving people some letters. I'll make a page out of this instead of putting it all in one post.

Anyway, I got up this morning with just intentions of only drinking coffee and nothing else until the party later today.. But I really don't want to binge and if I ate nothing until then I know that I would have. My Granny and Pa made me some vegan sausage links, an egg, and had biscuits too. A whole breakfast when I woke up. So I ate a little bit of that. They made it because I was here. So I had to. They already hate that I moved away and E keeps telling me that they miss me so much and he can see it. It breaks my heart when I have to leave. Pa tells me he loves me and to be careful at least 3 times before I can get out of the door. I'm very lucky to have them. It just makes me feel bad..

The party is over and E is asleep next to me. I overate.. I knew I would. Tomorrow I will be back at my apartment. Back under control. I love my family and I want to spend time with them, but I don't think I've ever wanted to be away from them so much before. I mean there full meals at every turn and E's family has had cake, cake, and more cake! Everywhere I look is food. Everywhere I look is expectations. Even E's sister was like are you going to eat all that? It made me feel bad, but she meant it as you better eat it all.. I didn't know what to say.

VISITING AND BIRTHDAY - DAY EIGHT

So yesterday was a little crazy, hence the no post. I did okay on food.. although.. I had a piece of cake.. Let me just explain.

Yesterday I woke up to coffee and friends. It made me very happy actually. I sat down with them and watched tv shows and it was a really good morning. At my apartment I didn't really eat a lot. So that was good but my boyfriend and I came back to our hometown yesterday afternoon/evening. Well he informed me that his family was cooking at his sisters house.. His mom usually has salad or something vegetarian friendly that I can eat too, but not so much his sister. So I decided to get a veggie burger on the way so I wouldn't be hungry when I got there. Well I wasn't hungry, but she had cake from her house warming party earlier that evening.. and I had a rather large piece.. my boyfriend cut it for me.. I didn't eat anything else after that though.

This morning started out the same. I woke up to coffee and family. I just want to say, I love coffee. It is my favorite drink, period. Anyway, today I've done better. I've eaten a huge salad and about a handful and a half of cashews. Just coffee and diet coke to eat. I still feel fat though..

I ordered my boyfriend's cake today for his birthday tomorrow though. His favorite movie is Lord of the Rings and it's going to look like the Eye from that movie. His best friend said it was a bad-ass cake. So I have high hopes for it. I just hope the bakers do a good job.

There will be cake tomorrow though.. I'm kind of worried. Cake yesterday and tomorrow.. Not a good deal. But they are grilling out. So that means if there aren't any grilled veggies, that there will be salad. So that is definitely a plus.

Oh! and thank you so much Lottie x for not only being my first commenter, but also for caring enough to inform me that I hadn't added the follow button! You are very much appreciated.

RECAP - DAY SIX

So Wednesday I went to my Grandparents and stayed with them just because. They were going to come down Friday and bring this remarkably adorable and vintage vanity they bought me on Thursday. So since they were coming all that way I wanted surprise them with something special. I only stayed a night so I could come home and go grocery shopping to make them lunch on Friday! I can decently cook, but I because a vegetarian 4 years ago and never really learned how to cook meat except for chicken which is extremely simple and easy. But I talked to my dad who is an amazing cook and he through the phone taught me how to make pork steak. So I got up at 9am and got a shower and got ready and at 10:30 I started cooking food. Haha I made pork steak, baked potatoes, carrots, green beans, and garlic bread! All by myself! It was actually kind of fun. Everything was just a few minutes from being finished when they arrived. It was kind of perfect. They said it was really good, which made me ecstatic. We got my vanity put in my room with my shoe rack in my closet and the final chair to my dining room table. My apartment is just a little closer to being complete.

My boyfriend and I hung out the the remainder of the day. We rented the Darkest Hour and Tower Heist and just enjoyed each others company. My roommate and my boyfriends roommate (who are dating as well) were over too and even though I usually feel weird in their presences, I actually had a very good time.

However, since I was with my Grandparents or my boyfriend for the past 3 days, I wasn't able to update anything. This morning I weighed 140.6. I've lost an even 2 lbs. I was actually hoping for more, but at least I'm on schedule. My waist lost half an inch. I'm thinking that that is actually because when I first measured it I had eaten breakfast. So maybe I haven't really lost anything off my waist.. who knows.

Anyway, today I've only had coffee to drink and carrots and green beans to eat. I'm going to try to stick to just fruits and vegetables today. No bread or chips or cheese. Just for today. I will gets the carbs I need today through the fruits and the fiber from the veggies and the fruits as well. The coffee is actually reducing my appetite.

I haven't been hungry all day so far. It's 3:24pm and since earlier I've only eaten half an apple. I'm slowly eating it in slices. Even though I wasn't hungry, I was getting shaky earlier. So I needed something on my stomach besides coffee.

I'm at my apartment alone today. My roommate is gone somewhere with her boyfriend and my boyfriend is at work. It's nice having some alone time.

JUST ME - DAY THREE

So both my roommate and my boyfriend goes to work at 1pm today. It will be just me again until later this evening. However, later this evening my boyfriends best friend, who's a pretty good friend of mine, is coming down. I'm pretty excited about it. I get to show him my new apartment and how pretty it is. Plus, since he and his girlfriend will be around I'll feel like less of an outcast. My roommate is cool, don't get me wrong, but her and her boyfriend definitely third wheel me where as my boyfriend's best friend doesn't. I never feel unwelcome by his or my friends from our hometown, but the people here I do sometimes.. Anyway, tonight will be fun I think. I think I'm going to talk to them about possibly having a small quiet party here. I think that will be fun.

I've had a bit of coffee with splenda and light soy milk. The whole cup will be around 10 calories because of the soy milk. I also had a fuji apple and 2 slices of toast. My breakfast came out to be about 250 calories. Kind of high, but better than yesterday and more food for the calories too. I have 900 calories left for the day.

WITH HIM - DAY TWO

My boyfriend and I got into a fight yesterday. He said he was going to a party, mind you in this city I just moved into and don't know really well nor do I know any one (with the exception of my roommate and his roommate), by himself and he didn't invite me nor even hint that he wanted me to go. I've had a really hard time with moving out on my own because I haven't started my job yet, I start the week of the 20th, and school's not in session yet. So I'm stuck here in the apartment not knowing anyone, by myself. All alone. Being obese and alone are my worst fears.. Anyway, he apologized and said he thought I didn't want to go because I didn't know anyone and everything was fixed. Our fight didn't lead to a binge, thank goodness, and we watched a movie and went to bed that night happy. Which I'm very thankful for. Things have been rough between us.

I have a limit of 1150 calories a day. No more. If I gain or lose it may vary a bit. However, right now its 1150 a day. I will weigh myself every other day.

This morning we woke up and ate breakfast… I had a raisin cinnamon bagel with natural honey peanut butter on top. First off, I just want to say.. thank goodness it was not cream cheese because that shit is the devil. Second, the peanut butter was safe and it had no hydrogenated oils, which is trans fat, in it. But.. it was packed with calories.. because all peanut butter is and so are bagels. However, I'm still not hungry. It's kept me full and not wanting food for a while now. I think it was probably around 350 calories. I also had 2 eggs for lunch with coffee. That was about 160 calories.

I had some miso soup before my boyfriend and I went out about the town today. We went to hastings and got the movie the Chronicle. Then we went to the pet shop to play with the animals. After that, we went to a card shop. He and his friends are very much into card games. Haha it's kind of funny because they are all 20 and up. Then we went grocery shopping, which was actually kind of fun. Usually we fight when we go together because he's disorganized and I'm not when it comes to shopping. But all was well. We got home and made dinner then watched a movie. Just the two of us. It's been a really good day. He's been over a lot today which is really nice. I ate 530 calories though plus the 35 calories from the miso soup. That leaves me with 75 calories for the rest of the day. I think we're about to head to the park. Maybe I can get him to just walk around with me. It would put in a little bit of exercise for the day.

A NEW ME - DAY ONE

A short time ago I moved to this new city to attend the college here. It's bigger than what I'm used to, but I'm closer to my boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 2 years. I am 20 years old. I am 5 foot 8 inches at 142.6 pounds. I'm a vegetarian and have been for 4 years now. I've recently stopped drinking milk and eating so much dairy because they just aren't necessary in any diet. I now drink only light soy milk and eat things with cheese in them occasionally. I have red hair that is almost to my waist. I have very large legs, large hips, big arms. I'm just generally fat. I have a roommate. She's a redhead, like me, but of a brighter shade.. She's also tiny. In every way, tiny. Her legs, her arms, she's just so little. All the girls here are like that. They're just so little. I'm not. I've never been, but I will be. I will be. I know I can do this. My goals are set and I'm sticking to them. I have many little goals. I think what I want more than anything is for my thighs to no longer touch. Just one of my thighs are just 4 inches smaller than my waist. My thighs are huge. I want a tiny waist and I want my arms to become thinner, but I know that will happen. I always lose weight from my waist and face first. My boobs never get smaller nor larger with weight loss or gain, my waist gets very small very fast, and my hips and thighs get smaller extremely slow. They are always the last to go. I've been on this up and down battle for years now. I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be smaller.. Even in the 5th grade I remember, being uninformed as I was, wanting to go to Subway to eat supper instead of the chinese place down the road because I wanted to lose weight. This is day 1. Again. But this is my last day 1. By day 77 I should be there. I will be there. I guess this is the new beginning of my journey to becoming thin, beautiful.. lithe.